August was the month I crashed out.
I didn’t know I was crashing out ’til I sat with my Therapist one Monday evening. I laid everything down, and it was like a glass ceiling shattered overhead, allowing me to see where I encased myself in.
Have I mentioned that I fucking LOVE therapy?
I’m posting a separate blog entry because it’s a lot, and it’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about — but to give you an idea : it didn’t occur to me that I was dealing with survivor’s guilt … and that it was creeping up to a point of mental and emotional paralysis, which is rich coming from me who isn’t in a country where people don’t know if they’d still be alive the next minute.
I know. Welp.
I thought I had a handle of what that would look, and how to deal … apparently I didn’t — but yeah, more on that later.
For now, let me share a bit of what went on during my August — a total sinewave of a babe, this month. I spent A LOT of time in my apartment mulling many things over (also drowning myself in LoL, TSITP, and films — a few of my favourite things), and then I spent a decent amount with my loved ones.
Thanos is right about a few things — in this context, you know what I’m talking about. Right? You do! You do, right? Yes, you do. Right? Yes!!! ([insert ‘perfectly balanced, as all things should be’ GIF here] — that’s what I’m talking about, okay?)
We were on a mission one weekend (more on that later), and Carlo treated us to a staycation at one of the hotels on our rotation, heh. It felt nice to be with my soulmates like this again — this is something we did a lot during the pandemic.
Other August tings (with photos) :
Other August tings (without photos) :
- MAYA AND I WENT ON ZOOM AGAIN, FINALLY! After ages! We were online for about 7 hours, no joke. Very easy with my Birbie. We talk about anything and everything, in depth, without the weight. She’s one of the few loves of my life, you know? That woman is my soulmate.
- Not sure if I mentioned it, but my therapy sessions are now only scheduled ONCE A MONTH, yay! That’s actually a VERY GOOD thing, FYI.
- Not only did we get Taylor on a podcast to talk for over 2 hours, we also get a TayVis engagement carousel on IG. She owns her Masters, she’s releasing her new album, and she’s engaged, all in one month. IDC, that’s my Bestie and I’m happy for her.
August is also the month I turned into a hardcore BONRAD shipper.
I had to latch onto something light, something that would make me feel all fuzzy and believe in love again, lel. I wanted to remember the purity, the innocence, the unintentional messiness of young love. The not knowing everything, but feeling like your world is falling apart, regardless.
My obsession with TSITP is so reminiscent of my obsession with CMBYN. It reminds me of a love that is possible (and can’t help but doubt its existence for me in this lifetime), but the fact that a fictional TV show makes me feel these feelings and yearn so much … it actually brings me joy, because it’s … just … so fulfilling. Team Conrad all the way. The dorky, responsible, goes to therapy Conrad Beck Fisher.
And if you know me, YOU KNOW I’M A FORKING YEARNER. YEARNING IS MY MIDDLE NAME. YEARNING IS MY FIRST LANGUAGE. YOU KNOW??????? A YEARNER! SO THIS SCENE MADE ME LOSE MY MARBLES — AND THEN THAT SONG PLAYS????? THE AUDACITY TO WRITE THIS EPISODE FOR ME.
Belly and Conrad are absolutely perfect for each other. CONRAD IS THE STANDARD. He’s a geek, is smart, knows what he wants, isn’t afraid to take accountability (he goes to therapy — did I mention that? He goes to therapy), and the banter he has with Belly, that’s like — that’s all I want. AND IT DOESN’T HURT THAT HE’S TALL AND HE’S GORGEOUS AND IS A GEEK. Have I mentioned that he’s a geek? He’s a geek! And he goes to therapy!
Belly is a character I would defend (yes, you read that right). I understand what it’s like to be messy. I love that she’s flawed, and it’s why the show works — seeing a character be so chaotic (but understandable) is a breath of fresh air. You can defend her because you KNOW WHY she’s made the decisions she did (even the worst ones). You could be brave enough to say her decisions are stupid, but they’re also … very human, in the “understandably human, can make stupid decisions”, side of the spectrum, not the “I get that you’re human, but this stupidity / assholery is inexcusable especially when it’s something you decide on by choice” side of the spectrum.
Jenny Han writes her characters so well, and she doesn’t care about the things that don’t matter, like the technicality of boarding gates being next to each other in an airport terminal (fiction), and care so much about things that do matter, like — why people do what they do (non-fiction).
The callbacks to past episodes are also on another level, which is why it’s such a joy to rewatch — you get to pick up things when you watch the latest episodes, it’s just … UGH, I LOVE IT SO MUCH!
I don’t even question my hyperfixation on this show, and on Conrad, because I knew very well why this is such a hit in my household … comprising of me.
It reminded me so much of my first love, too.
[By the way, ana I spoke (lololol) to my Therapist about my first love several sessions ago and she noted how happy I was the entire time. Maya, who‘s been with me forever [she’s been in my life even before I had my first love], could attest to how precious of a time that was. We were the Teachers’ favourite couple, a lot of them wished we’d end up together, and would praise that we were so ‘tasteful’ and ‘respectful’ whenever we were together in campus (translation : we were heavy on PDA, but not THAT kind of PDA, do you know what I mean? We were very discreet — but don’t get me started on when we’re alone, lol)]
Grateful for writing like this — it feels good to be reminded that I am still capable of feeling these fuzzy feelings, where I giggle and kick my feet and hide under the covers because of excessive kilig. I live vicariously through this show, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of, at this big age, heh. THE WORLD IS FUCKED UP, LET PEOPLE ENJOY THINGS.
You could see the difference of actual, true love (Conrad) — and love you settle for, as in, the one you constantly have to convince yourself of (Jere).
You could also see the difference of what selfless love does (Conrad) and what selfish love does (Jere). Beautiful. This show is doing wonders for the inner adolescent Abbie that lives forever in me.
My song(s) of the month, undoubtedly (these have been on rotation) :
Surprise, they’re TSITP related!
Can you tell which part of episode 6 I’ve been obsessing over from this season? Also brought me back to days I slept listening to this song, and then waking up to it still playing, back in 2019.
Now, can you tell how episode 7 DESTROYED ME? Because I was screaming profanities and yelling at Jenny Han as soon as the first note played. *HOW DARE SHE????
(*highest compliment, but also, you will be hearing from my lawyer loljk)
And this … please do a deep dive on the meaning of this song, because DAYUM, HAYLEY :
My top 4 favourite (first-watch) films of August :
Speaking of which — if you fancy giving me a follow on Letterboxd : Abbie’s Letterboxd account.
A few things I reflected on this month :
1.) Sometimes life teaches us self-compassion in really painful ways. But I’m glad that I now know better in terms of being kinder to myself.
2.) It dawned on me that knowing one’s worth could be excruciating at times, because imagine being self-aware of what you deserve … and actually standing firm in that?
3.) My friend Mazin asked my thoughts on “separating the art from the artist” one day, and I said that I used to subscribe to that idea (I recall defending Chris Brown a decade ago — disgusting), and the conversation went to a “version” of these artists that once existed (the good “version”), but I think that there are things that are inexcusible, and sometimes, the current version of people can ultimately take away all the good they did, or exemplified.
I know there’s good and bad in everyone, but some people allow the bad to outweigh any good they ever did in their life, and they are only known for the hurtful things they did — which is purely on them.
It’s called consequences.
Mmkay.
Big things happening in September … end of an era. Let’s fukken go.
Anyway.
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