trente-neuf

(alternate title : hello silence, my old friend)

I’ve been trying to celebrate life on a daily basis — celebrations needn’t be grand … that hasn’t been the case for me in a while. 

I turned 39 this year. Similar to the previous birthdays I was blessed and privileged enough to meet, I took it a notch down, even further in 2025 — if I do say so myself.

Here’s my face in an excessive amount of photos that I took, to appreciate and remind myself where I am physically, mentally, emotionally (and how I was intensely feeling my oats) — plus the rest of the photos I took on my birthday (like my awesome birthday breakfast spread), and the apartment I called home for most of my stay.

My 39th was met with a lot of shedding : for the first time during a solo trip, I took things slow — I stayed in bed longer and soaked up the sun with my slow walks.

It’s a scary thing, to let go of control. I seized the day by letting it seize me (by flowing through me). I listened to what my body needed. I ditched several museums / exhibits and spent more time with the city, and myself. 

During Celine Song’s masterclass at the Cinema Balzac this month (I know, I can’t believe I typed out that sentence — I saw Celine Song forking twice, two consecutive days, I get to see hear her talk about her creative process, I get to see her introduce Materialists to us, and then proceeds to sit with us, in the audience — to watch the film … with us — hasn’t sunken in yet, but yes), there was a question that was asked about dialogue in her scripts — particularly in the difference between the ‘silence’ in Past Lives, and the consistent back and forth in Materialists.

Celine explains that the only reason the circa 2min silence at the end of Past Lives work, is because of the bar scene prior, where they hashed things out. She says we are allowed to share the silence with these two characters (Nora and Hae Sung) because we could ‘think with them’, we could feel with them, we could process the moment with them.

She says, “Silence cannot exist without clarity“. It’s a very simple statement, you’d think — but silence, real comfortable, peaceful silence cannot in fact, exist without clarity.

I struggled a bit with my quiet moments up until I was able to meet myself where I was. I was just there, waiting to be acknowledged.

When I got to Paris, I immediately felt some sense of dread (internally), not just because of what was going on in the world — but in my own littlebig universe, I was feeling pressured to tick things off my list of to-do’s, places to visit and re-visit, and my spirit was struggling.

It was on my 6th day when it dawned on me … that I just wanted some silence. I wasn’t allowing myself to be still. I just wanted to be.

So — on the day of my birthday, I decided to celebrate ‘with’ the great Agnès Varda : went to her exhibit at the Musée Carnavalet, and joined an Agnès Varda themed walking tour with the Lost in Frenchlation team (they.are.amazing, please look them up), based on her film, “Daguerréotypes”. It seemed fitting to watch a film based on getting to know your community — because that day was all about my first community : myself.

I am grateful for the privilege of getting to celebrate my life being in my own company, sitting in the comfort of my solitude.

I can be by and with myself because I am loved by the people I love, + Higher Beings & Guides included. 

p.s. — there’s a whole vlog I took of this day, should be up soon — i’ll edit this bit and link the video once it’s published

Here it is!