and peace she gave you (only this is my chattiest blog entry in a while, but yeah that gives me peace so…) (a.k.a. this is just how my tinyletters used to be, you lot missed out on that, will post some of them here soon)
(also … EXTREMELY LATE POST. Life be lifing, thank God.)
I recently had a very awkward conversation with a person who jokingly said, “since we are both single, we should probably date“. He says he wants a family. “What’s gonna happen when I’m old, alone, with no children? It’s not good”, he adds. I finally find it in myself to brush it off (I usually don’t — because what in Trump’s Republican Murrca is this loljk yes this is sarcasm, read the darn room). I can’t help but feel bad for people who impose things like this on themselves, especially when I listen to their reasoning of why they need a partner, and reproduce. I’ve ranted about that enough in past entries.
The last thing I would want for myself is to be someone who completes a sentence. I don’t want to be a missing piece. I would like to be the “bonus”. Something he doesn’t need, but want. Also, what a tactic to try and worm one’s way into going on a date, eh?
Oftentimes, I’m asked, “don’t you feel sad coming home and there’s no one in your apartment waiting for you?”
It just dawned on me : I come home to myself every single day. As much as I would love to share myself with another person — my God, I’m too precious of a human being to not revel in the fact that I am actually … coming home to me, every single day. I fill my own cup. I am complete on my own, flaws and all.
(… also, do you know what it’s like to be single in the year 2024 of our lord and saviour? It’s like the only choice we have is to settle for the sake of settling in a “super meh relationship, but hey — at least I’m no longer single“, a.k.a. “this’ll do“, a.k.a. “it works“, a.k.a. “well, I’m not unhappy“, or to risk being played by men who are “figuring out their dating goals”, like, good lord Hinge, why would you put that as an option when it says that they’ve also selected “monogamy” in their profile? Disable the damned thing, make it make sense lol. I will take neither, my liege. Big fat “NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH”, heh.
Plus — for someone who was once in a long-term relationship and stayed because of what turns out to be “sunk-cost fallacy” — hi MayaBirb — …. erm, no fanks).
Peace.
It was December 2021. Friends and I were having dinner at Asia Asia in Abu Dhabi one evening, reflecting on the past year as we were scraping our plates clean. New Years was coming up, and we were due a round-up (‘as long as it rhymes, everything will be fines’, lol IYKYK).
“Sometimes it terrifies me how good I am at being alone”, I said. I explained that it feels like it’s getting to a point where I think I’m purposely staying single because … I’m pretty good at it. The best part is that I wasn’t the only single (pun-intended) person seated that evening who thought this. My sentiments were echoed, and boy — were they echoed hard.
I then added that when I do meet a potential partner, he would actually be competing with me. Lo and behold, not even a week later, I come across this TikTok — it spoke to me (ng very severe, mga Ateng), and I love how I’m not the only one who feels this way!
It’s a pretty powerful thing to know who you are, your worth, and what you bring to the table. When a date doesn’t work out — i.e., I’m ONLY physically attracted to them, or we aren’t on the same level of attraction towards each other, I’ve stopped concluding things like, “oh it’s his loss”, or mine (okay, because let’s be honest : it’s definitely theirs LOLOL) — there’s just no use forcing things, especially when it comes to a romantic partnership. The failure of a third date that seems “impossible to schedule” no longer feels like it’s hit a bull’s eye on my ego. I don’t go into the it’s me, HI, I’m the problem, it’s me spiral like I used to. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS TO OVERCOME, MY GOD (here’s to non-linear inner-child healing, my dudes).
But it is kind of terrifying to be this way, if I’m being honest. I have to keep myself in check in case I’m actually pushing away people I could potentially be with, because my standards are too high. But then I remember who I am, and know that I deserve what I want — if that’s just not in the cards for me in this lifetime, then so be it. Singlehood over settling. All day, baybey.
I’ve long freed myself from any form of societal expectation. I live for myself. I make plans for myself. And don’t I fucking deserve it? Joder si, Señorita.
Peace.
And since we’re on the topic of peace : another experience that brought me absolute solitude recently was watching both of Hans Zimmer’s shows (yes, as in two consecutive days), OMG. Like — what is life. I felt truly reborn stepping out of the arena, let me tell you that.
I was down with the flu earlier in June, and all I feasted my eyes (and ears) on were his documentaries, interviews, and different versions of his live concerts. As beautiful as all his scores are, he was in his fucking bag when he composed for The Lion King. There was never a live version of The Lion King medley that didn’t make me cry. That Hans Zimmer. That Lebo M. Long live artists, man. They are the very definition of life.
If you need a good cry — you’re welcome.
UGH. PEACE!!! SO MUCH PEACE! LISTEN TO THE FUCKING MUSIC! PEAAAAAAACE!
A friend DM’d me a reply to one of my IG stories dancing to Chappell Roan and she said, “I think you’re the only girl I know who is most comfortable by herself. You’re happy with who you are. How did you achieve that? I want that, too! I mean, I don’t want to be by myself … but truly happy.”
Loneliness has surely paid me a visit every now and then, but by now I know this much is true : it is not a reflection of what is expected and dictated to be a lack in my life. I’m still human, after all.
Peace.
My Dad and I still aren’t on speaking terms. Not since 2020. Not since my separation from my then-Husband that had upset him so much. “What are people going to say?“, he asked. Straight to the preaching — classic. Like I wasn’t a whole ass 33-year-old Woman deciding for HER life.
No “How are you doing?”, no “Are you okay?”, no “Do you want to talk about it?”. He’s one of the Head Pastors at the local church, obviously his primary concern was that it was an embarrassment (~que horror~) : the Pastor who preaches likely almost 5 times a week, has a Daughter whose marriage has now been filed for annulment. During our conversation, my Father finally told me that I was a disappointment, like him beating me up for getting my maths assignment wrong at 7 years old (and other times after that, towards my teenage years) didn’t send that message clear enough (DO YOU SEE WHY MATHS IS TRIGGERING, BRENDA).
To be fair, knowing the history of my relationship, my Father had initially opposed that marriage. I think he’s never forgiven me for going ahead with it — and 9 years after that short walk down the aisle at the Philippine Embassy, there I was : telling him it was over.
Had he stepped into the role of actually being my Father for 30 minutes, he would realise that nothing happening at the time was about him. Nevermind that the only comfort you could’ve given your Daughter were your words, or moral support of some sort, but no — she gets none of that. You give her nothing. She is miles away from you and has not one single family member, immediate or otherwise, in the same continent … and you give her nothing.
People tell me to reach out to him and mend things … it’s not like I haven’t tried that. But how many times am I to allow being rejected by own flesh and blood? On top of everything I do to support myself, will I have to exert more time and energy towards people who clearly don’t want it?
Sometimes I think about the worst — what if I don’t get the chance to speak to him again … will I regret it? I know I will. But with where my mental and emotional state is at the moment, am I capable to sacrifice that just to mend things with my only living biological parent who isn’t … really … concerned about me or my well-being? Who puts his ego and image above everything and everyone else? Maybe he is ashamed of me, and that’s not something I’m willing to go to war for, especially not with my own Father. I am not ashamed of making a stand for myself and my life.
I sure do miss you, Papa … but I cannot let myself crumble. I have put so much effort into healing all versions of myself that never got the apology and closure I needed and deserved. Both my arms are wrapped around myself right now, holding me together — I cannot fall apart for you.
Peace.
“What will give you peace?” is the question my friends ask me (hello MayaCarloVinceMakoMich) when I’m in a pickle. It’s a question I constantly ask myself, too. As soon as I do not feel safe, I move to the little cracked space where the light seeps through — it could be a situation, a moment. At any given time of the day, I make a beeline to that nook. Only I have the power to do this now. I finally learned what it means when Maya tells me, “you’re the only one you can control“. And it feels fucking great. The fucking power that holds. It allows me to look at myself through the most honest, gentle, constructively critising eyes.
That’s the thing about peace. Once you are finally able to give yourself that, you’re done. You won’t settle for anything less. You finally prioritise it — yourself. And not even in the slightest selfish of ways.
There’s a difference between prioritising your peace of mind, and yourself.
Soul vs. Ego.
Peace is the perfect gauge to know when time is up. When value is lost. Weightless. Meaningless.
And the next thing you know, you are indifferent.
This is how you know you’re truly at peace with the way things are in your life — you could just switch it off. I normally hate thinking about how indifference = being a robot. But I’ve come to believe it’s one of the strongest forms of human emotion there is, because … it’s nothing. It’s not hate. Hate is love. Hate isn’t a feeling that scares me — it’s indifference.
Therefore, the two most major emotions are : love … and indifference.
Love in all its forms, all it’s passionate rage and expression, and the way it’s all translated into words and actions, all while indifference is just … nothing — nothing to mourn, nothing you’ve lost, because … it’s now just never existed.
Oh woah I went on a tangent there — but you know what I mean, right?
Peace.
Anyway — some photos during the long weekend that Vince and I spent with Carlo in Abu Dhabi (the place to bey, lel).
I mean naturally — true to this entry’s title, here’s a bunch of people that bring me that.
Peace. Nothing but Peace.
thatgirlabbie.com 
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