Quiet time with myself recently got me thinking that I’ve entered dangerous territory.
More often that once this past month, there would be moments when I’d feel content, and then immediately disrupt it with thoughts of doubt : “Am I ‘at peace ‘here‘ because it’s where I really want to be, or because I don’t want to drown in loneliness?“
(thankfully, it is always the former. I immediately have check-ins with myself right then and there.)
I listen to people talk about the woes they feel and the things they have to deal with in their relationships — and as much as I would love to share my life with someone, as much as I know that these so-called ‘woes’ are worth it with the right person, I feel all fuzzy in my current state : living with and by myself. I have been for awhile now.
It’s not something I chose (or choose) — but at this point, it’s either that, or settling for less. I don’t want none of the latter, thank you.
My friends asked me recently, “would you want to be in a relationship where your man is excessively obsessed with you to the point that it’s suffocating, or would you want to be with someone who’s calm and isn’t loud with expressing his love for you?“
I’d say, “I want to be with someone who is equally obsessed with me as I am with him“, and they disagreed saying that this is not something that ‘exists’, or that eventually, one person will love more, to which I replied, “… then I don’t want it. It’s what I want or nothing.“
And this is where I’ve made peace.
Back in October of last year, I allowed myself the vulnerability to try with a new person, who I was honest with. He knew everything that happened up to the moment we started talking. He knew the trauma I was dealing with, he knew how terrifying it was for me to … try.
In the short period of time he and I spoke (which was almost everyday), he’s made promises and made me feel … hopeful. I wasn’t looking too far ahead, but at a close enough distance to feel safe. Then the moment I gave in, he discards me — as in, I was ghosted … and that was extremely difficult for me not to take personally.
It didn’t take long before I realised that I had romanticised a loser (story of my life), who took advantage of me.
It also didn’t take long before my Therapist helped me realise why I do this. It was also the first time I cried during a therapy session. I don’t think anyone could understand what it means to not only try and trust another person, but to trust YOURSELF again after something so traumatising. Imagine doubting your capability to make good decisions for yourself, and just when you think you’re bestowing your most vulnerable, fragile self to someone who you thought was somewhat worthy … you are proven wrong.
My therapist immediately jumped to telling me that if anything, I should focus on the strength I had to put myself out there again, which I appreciated. Grateful to be in a place where I was halfway through in terms of knowing my worth. It still took me some time, and I eventually confronted the guy over chat — obviously, his behaviour will never be justified to me, but I was able to say my piece, and it helped me let it go.
Thinking about this recent experience, and the fact that I seem to be constantly putting faith in the wrong people, I don’t think I’m meant for any of this — not sure if I mean this forever, but for right now, nothing beats the peace that comes with choosing myself, picking up after myself, looking out for myself, being with myself … I don’t think any of this is worth risking for another person.
I mean, don’t get me wrong : I love love. I love loving — but the person who deserves that hasn’t made himself known to me yet, and the longer it takes, the lesser hope I have in ever believing it would happen … and if it doesn’t — I am fine with it. I truly have no other choice. I don’t think I have it in me to be let down again, and to know that that’s something I can’t control.
I would ocassionally feel my best and then hear people’s voices telling me, “what a waste that no one gets to benefit from what you get to offer“, and I immediately counter it with “benefit, or take advantage?“
The dating pool is garbage on this side of the world, and when I’m not on this side of the world, I’m out there enjoying my own company, refusing to let anyone infiltrate my time with myself — and time with myself has become extremely valuable, and now priceless.
I’m too much of a Romantic to be wasted away by men who won’t value me the same way I value myself.
It’s dangerous territory, by the way — because the longer I’m at peace in this state, the harder it would be to convince me to get out of it. But here’s the truth : I honestly don’t think I’d want to get out of here.
I sleep so well at night not ever needing to worry if the person I’ve allowed access to my heart (and my body, and my soul) is satisfied with having me as someone to share their life with, not ever needing to worry if I’m doing enough, if I’m enough, not ever needing to worry if their eyes are wandering, if they’re thinking of someone else, or having to internally prep myself of the day comes that they decide to leave.
Basically, this entire post summarised in a meme — an old meme, but such a good meme, and I leave it up to your interpretation :
Anyway, hello birthday month. Isn’t June such a sexy bitch? I can’t explain it, it just is.
thatgirlabbie.com 
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