(a.k.a. things that come with the privilege of aging)
Some I’ve already blogged about in the past year (actually, released on TinyLetter — really need to get to posting some of those old entries on here).
In random, and extremely delayed (I started typing this in Q4 2024).
1.) Two things can be true (yes, at the same time).
I learned a few years ago that I can be independent AND feel lonely. I used to believe that allowing myself to feel vulnerable and lonely makes me less of an independent person and that I have failed to be the the boss ass bitch I am, but lol — I am a human being after all, with human being feelings, as I would always say — so acknowledging the fact that living alone CAN IN FACT GET LONELY, and DUH — IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL THIS WAY — is something I’ve finally allowed myself to acknowledge. My humanness does not take away from my … humanness. I’m no forking robot, you know? There’s no use pretending like I’m this superhuman who doesn’t feel these things as I trek through life in this (mostly) concrete jungle by my lonesome.
Allowing myself to feel these feelings is one of the healthiest ways for me to NOT BE controlled by them. Acknowledging their normalcy is what makes me NOT SETTLE for anyone out of loneliness. I think that’s fucking powerful. It’s also fucking difficult, fucking painful, but — hey. I’d rather feel that than be with someone and know that something’s missing. I would rather be alone than feel empty whilst in a relationship.
2.) I do my best to live by my favourite metaphor.
I often look at myself as this container that needs to be filled to the brim to be able to overflow + flow into other aspects of my life , like loved ones + work.
The way for me to achieve that is to continuously make sure that I am tending to myself, pouring into myself. People think that you need to be selfish to be able to pull off something like this, but it’s genuinely about listening to yourself, making space for yourself without judgment. It’s about making sure your roots are firmly planted on the ground. It’s about having uncomfortable conversations with yourself, allowing all parts of yourself to be heard.
And when you are filled with the love and acceptance and care you give to you, everything else you receive (and don’t) from other people won’t affect anything you’ve established for yourself. They’ll all be a bonus — people pouring love into you? More love for you to share to others. People NOT pouring into you? No problem — you’ve got more to go around, springing internally from you.
It takes a lot to be in tune with your true self, but trust me — when you’ve made that connection, when you’ve given yourself that safe space, everything comes easy : being there for your loved ones, being present at work — your energy towards everything else is just a product of what you are full of, not what you lack.
You know what they say : you can’t pour from an empty cup. I have learned the dangers of relying on people for my supply to overflow — we’ve left that shit in 2024.
3.) Expressing gratitude does wonders.
To God, the Universe, to others, to yourself. I’ve developed this habit where I express gratitude for things I could be ‘overlooking‘. One example? My body. A practice I especially love to do in the shower is : I thank each part of my body as I lather and cleanse. I thank God for blessing me with these body parts. I love how it makes me feel. I love how it makes my body feel. I love how it humbles me and makes me acknowledge a privilege that I could be taking for granted. All 5 senses, all limbs.
I think one of the things that really, really, really made me appreciate what my body does for me on a daily basis is watching a video of a white blood cell in our bodies that work 24/7 to check them bad, harmful bacteria.
Watching that hit me hard, man. One of the smallest cells in my body is doing all that to ensure my survival? That cute little thing?
Most mornings, I express my gratitude out loud before I step out of the apartment. It’s such a good way to start one’s day, apart from your affirmations. It grounds me. With the things going on in the world these days, grounding is important — you have to try and gather most (if not all) of your energy back to yourself (which is a lot harder than it sounds).
4.) The moment you are listed as an option, choose yourself.
Doesn’t matter even if you’re the first option. The moment you become ONE OF the options, help them by showing yourself some respect : [you] choose you, and take yourself off the list.
Your presence in someone’s life isn’t supposed to have an ‘or‘ / ‘what if‘ in the same sentence.
5.) Taking people at Face Value >>>>> Holding onto Potential
Learned this the hard way. We give people so much credit when they don’t deserve it. I understand when people say, “but they have it in them to be great / to make good decisions for themselves / to make the right choices” — yes, they do … but are they? How are things looking, realistically speaking?
It’s an extremely dangerous, slippery slope — you don’t want to attach yourself to a version of a person who doesn’t exist, or worse — who refuses to exist.
Don’t get me wrong — loving someone who is broken is different when the person knows they’re being the biggest piece of shit to exist and refuses to do anything to work on it. A person’s brokenness shouldn’t have anything to do with how harmful they choose to become towards other people. Their pain should NEVER BE AN EXCUSE TO ACT LIKE AN ASSHOLE. We cannot ‘mental health our way out of accountability’. It doesn’t work that way.
People always show you who they are — believe them.
6.) Having conversations with yourself is therapeutic AF.
It’s so funny, when I have moment where I feel like I’m “mentally and emotionally straying”, or there’s something that’s been constantly gnawing my brain, I pull myself towards the mirror — and talk to myself. Mostly I do this with Maya’s voice in my head (my other voice of reason, apart from my thankfully still existing rational inner voice … sometimes).
Without making it sound like split personality disorder, I allow the irrational voice to be heard, and then allow the rational voice to counter it. Some days, I just let the rational voice speak, to kindly call myself out to get my shit together. It took A LOT OF WORK to be able to get myself to be in a place internally where I am strong enough to be rational, and to know that I have to be (anyone who leads with their hearts know what I mean) — your brain and your heart need to be aligned, otherwise, you won’t be at peace. Yin and Yang. Your heart needs some logic and practicality. Your brain needs some emotion and thoughtfulness. Your gut will tell you when all parts of you are on board, and it’s one of the most terrifying, and liberating feelings you’ll ever experience.
This is how I managed living by and with myself, I guess. Knowing I am a safe space for myself to be … myself. I know I won’t be judgmental, but I will be treating myself kindly, with lots of self-compassion (something I have only recently learned to fully practice, thanks to therapy, which we will get to).
7.) The “Eternal Sunshine” Test is a pretty good gauge of where people stand in your life.
Think about a person. Now think about some modern technology that is able to erase all the memories you’ve made with this person. Are you fighting with all your might to keep everything intact, even the most mundane (which are the best ones)?
If yes, that means that the current version of this person is still very much worthy of having a place in your memories, if not your life.
If no, then you have your answer.
Note : to all the Gen Z babes reading this post, reference Ariana Grande’s “We can’t be friends” music video. But you know what? Do yourself a favour and watch ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’. It’s such a masterpiece.
8.) Casual sex is not my thing.
Back in December 2022, I met up with someone I used “to see” ages ago, with zero intention of leaving the bar with him that evening — but alas, four Negronis in, I wake up the next day wondering where all my clothes went. Long story short, nothing is worth feeling meh for — personally speaking.
I’m not built for that, and nor will I ever submit my body to that experience again. I get that sex is just sex for some, but not me. I would rather forget what it feels like to be held, than be held by someone who does know (or refuses to acknowledge) what it means to hold me.
Plus, sex without the fucken passion, without you wanting every inch, every fold, every sweat bead to be felt and touched and kissed and tasted, and all that ‘raging desire’ translated into heavy breathing and audible desperation, because you’re so into them? You want me to welcome someone into my body without that? For purely lust (where all of those things could still apply, but ONLY FOR THE MOMENT? Erm, no), especially after that December 2022 encounter? Ew, no. It’s proven : them fires in my loins don’t light up without love and / or immense adoration, and wanting someone so much you wish you could absorb them in your body (words once spoken to me in between a sweaty nap, whilst half asleep, true story — although, it might have been a lie, looking back — so maybe not so much a true story now, sadly).
People get to decide what to do with their bodies, and one’s body count doesn’t make them any better or less of a person, to each their own. I know I sound very ‘pick me‘ right now, but I personally could not, especially after that December 2022 encounter.
And for the love of god, please stop telling me I’m missing out by being picky when it comes to who I think is worthy of being intimate with. We clearly see sex differently. Sex is NOT a need for me. I was able to go on 2 years of celibacy at a certain point in my life, and up until last year I was over a year celibate (thank you, fucking dickwad of a Hinge date for in turn not being worthy of *gestures* all this). Before that, not once have I felt like I was wasting my goodies away by refraining from sextracurricular activities, in fact — it feels like the opposite.
However, listen — if Pedro Pascal or Oscar Isaac comes on to me …
P.S. — have I ever told you that Oscar Isaac was fucking LOOKING AT ME with so much intent before we took this photo in ComicCon? I don’t care if he Jessica Chastain Scenes From a Marriage Red Carpet’s everyone. He was fucking looking at me whilst I positioned myself for the ComicCon cameras. It felt like there were tears running down my legs LOLOKIWILLWRAPITUP. I WAS IN THAT FORKING ROOM, OK. YOU KNOW NOTHING. SHUT UP.
(do me a favour and look up his MEFCC photos for 2024 and compare the bodeh language, lolololbye)
9.) Kindness ≠ Access (/flirting)
Boundaries can be very addicting, once you start putting / drawing them up. Being kind doesn’t mean saying yes to everything at the expense of, well, you. You can be kind and still say “no“. You can be kind and make a stand for yourself. We cannot leave it up to people to respect us, that’s something we need to give ourselves, and then the rest follows. People don’t see the extremely thin line between kindness and people pleasing. We want none of the latter, please and thank you.
This is what warrants people taking advantage of you, too. When someone crossed a boundary with me last year, they repeatedly said (more like blamed) it on me being nice. Oh, you’re nice to me Abbie, this means I have access to you, as a whole. I can talk to you about anything, like your body and how I’ve noticed it change, and how I think it’s a waste that you’re not with anyone because we all need physical affection, and I would like to volunteer to provide that for you.
HAHAFUCKYOU.
Yeah, no. Just because you couldn’t find yourself to be nice to someone without flirting with them doesn’t make that applicable for everyone else. My niceness is inborn, but I am at least learning to put my foot down (… people’s asses, loljk …?).
As soon as my kindness is being perceived as something else, I fucking flip the fucking switch. WHY CAN’T I BE NICE WITHOUT AN AGENDA — the world is in dire need of genuine niceness, why should I not contribute? Not everything is an invite to get in my pants (or wondering if I could get into yours) — like, get over yourself, please.
10.) Maybe we’re not supposed to ‘know’ Grief, but we’re supposed to sit with it.
It’s funny how I used to think I knew what grief was — what it meant, what it felt like. Having lost my Mumma at a young age, I thought I’d explored at least nearly the entirety of its waters (because nothing would prepare you for the death of a parent, especially one who was your best friend). I didn’t realise that grief was a whole part of life, as in — there is always something we’re grieving. There’s always something we lose — a mannerism, a certain characteristic, parts of ourselves.
It is not only people we grieve. Unfortunately, it could sometimes be a whole reality. A whole belief system you have to tear down and unlearn. Grieving / mourning people who are still alive is another story — don’t get me started.
The grieving stage is the hardest emotion to navigate. Doing the work also makes you see the layers of how deep the trauma of a particular loss has sliced you open.
Grief is something we’re never going to fully have a grasp of — it’s like trying to contain water from a flowing river with the palm of your hand — that little puddle sitting atop your skin is all you’re ever going to fully understand … and we have to be okay with that.
If you’re going against Grief, that is not a war — let alone a battle … you will ever win. You have to peacefully let it take what it should … and then you rebuild, accepting that you are changed forever.
11.) People will only meet you on the same depth they’ve met themselves.
Okay, this will sound tangent-y, but stay with me.
I feel like this should be self-explanatory but for some reason, it isn’t (because it did not even occur to me until late last year) : You cannot expect people to have empathy and emotional maturity towards other people if they do not have empathy and are not emotionally mature towards themselves.
Take the way people function in relationships, for example : they find it easy to be selfish and only tend to their needs on a surface level, which is why they would rather ghost, dip at the first sign of something serious, or jump to the next level of their lives because they think this is a hack to self fulfillment.
The mentality seems to be : “I could not tend to the things that involve emotions because it will just weaken me and take away my focus from the most important, most practical things that matter in life“, or “Out of sight, out of mind” , or “my problems will cease to exist if I don’t acknowledge them“, or “let me do anything BUT address the root cause of my issues“, not realising that they have to feel fulfilled in themselves first.
Being a partner and / or a parent is who we are to OTHER PEOPLE. That is not who WE ARE. We need to know what we mean on our own before we could even think that we could exist in functional relationships. As in : they have to meet themselves first, before they meet other people.
As cheesy as it sounds — all we need to do is look within for that one thing we’re trying to chase and receive from other people. You think you could find it in others, you think you HAVE found it in someone else, but it will fade. You think you know what you want, but how can you, if you don’t even know who YOU ARE? Only a self-realised person will know what they want — truly, from the pits of their core. Someone who isn’t established in themselves will always end up feeling empty. They will constantly chase a feeling they cannot even identify.
We will never find ourselves in other people. All it takes is to know where to look (and thats IN OURSELVES, btw — in case you didn’t catch that).
12.) Therapy is FUCKING GREAT.
I finally got myself to start Therapy in 2024. I initially booked an appointment sometime in December 2023, but postponed it as I didn’t think it was a good time to jumpstart my ‘journey’ during the holiday season.
But lo and behold, after one of my friends (more of a soul sister at this point) consistently reminding me that I should fucken get to it — I did.
During my first session, my Therapist (fuck, it feels really good to say that — “my Therapist”, lol) got a sense of what therapy meant to me and where I was mentally and emotionally, and all the work I put into myself (by myself, and with the help of my closest friends) — and she, in between jotting notes on her pad, says to me, “… This is … actually commendable. You’re like, half a therapist already“.
I do acknowledge that there is much work ahead of us, and I know that therapy is not something that will heal me — it’s simply one of the tools of life that’ll allow me to get to know myself better, unpack all my childhood trauma, understand certain patterns and where they stem from, acknowledge my attachment style, learn how to deal with my issues and triggers, and most importantly — mastering the art of self-regulation (my BIGGEST challenge). My former Boss told me to be proactive, not reactive — IT’S NOT LIKE I’M NOT TRYING, OK. Also, it’s not like people haven’t been purposely setting me off either.
[edit : Therapy also taught me about how being able to self-regulate doesn’t mean you allow people to take advantage of that by constantly treating you like shit because of your ‘regulating‘ capabilities. Extremely cruel for a person to do this consciously. I hope you remember that in most cases, you have the power to make people stop treating you like a dumping ground or a doormat.]
Anyway.
It’s empowering. There’s so much in life we don’t have control over — but we do have control over ourselves, and I’m going to try my best to utilise that power to my advantage.
My sessions have been extremely eye-opening — there were things I never thought I hadn’t seen clearly up until they were pointed out to me. And now, this is something I look forward to every week. Liberation from the shackles of how we were conditioned to be isn’t easy, but boy am I stoked to get to work (as overwhelming as it is, but my Therapist is the best because she’s always been so compassionate with me in terms of reminding me to take things in my own pace).
If you haven’t read The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse or have seen the (short) film adaptation, please do. Sharing one of my favourite scenes / pages off the book (which I’ve yet to read, I’ve only seen the bawled through the film … several times … since 2022) :
13.) Your definition of “love” will depend on your mental and emotional state.
If I were a broken vase, why should I ask a fully functioning vase to empty themselves so they could pour water onto my cracked self, knowing well enough that it won’t be long until I’m drained and dry — just so I could prove to myself that they love me? And why do I need other people to feel loved and valued? In what world is one’s suffering to provide for me amount to real, true love? Why would I want a person to set their fucking world on fire for me, so I could prove to myself that their love is real? In what world is that love? And why are other people my primary source, when it should be me, and everyone else is just a bonus?
Mentally and emotionally healthy people wouldn’t thrive in toxic, complicated situations. I wish we took the time to assess ourselves before we think we’re even fit to be engaging with other people, platonically and romantically.
I’m not saying people have to be ‘healed’ before they get into relationships, because there’s no such thing as being ‘healed’ — as long as we’re alive, there’s always something we’re going to be healing from, but it would be nice to at least know yourself enough, it would be nice to start dealing with your personal issues (being aware + being mindful are such powerful traits to have), knowing there are things you are already working on.
So much of one’s perspective about relationships with other people stem from their mental and emotional state. It’ll also reflect their ‘drive’ and ‘reasoning’ for wanting to be in a relationship.
14.) A relationship is a want , not a need (for me).
Being with another person is not something I’ve pressured myself to ‘achieve‘, and as I’m inching towards my late-late thirties, a relationship is not something I’m pushing myself to have — I mean, it would be nice to, of course, but if it doesn’t happen for me, what am I going to do about it? Can’t have my life revolve around this “goal”. My happiness and success will not be based on whether I’m with someone. I want my person and I to be WHOLE on our own, not two halves that make a whole (sorry, Jerry Maguire). We are established as our own person, it makes it so much easier to feel confident in the relationship working out — we do it because we CHOSE each other, and we make that conscious decision every fucking day of our lives.
“I’m here because I want to be, not because I need to be.”
Pretty tough in this day and age where it’s a mix of people who want to fuck around, people who don’t know what they truly want, and people who think being in a relationship is part of their ‘musts’ because that’s what society says we should do, or because they think it’s what’ll fill the void — think about what happens if you make that your ‘guiding force’ to be with someone?
GOD — DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE OUT THERE? Fuck. I’m not built for dating in this day and age with all the apps and the speed-dating / mingling activities. If I don’t get my romcom meet-cute the way 90s Julia Roberts / Richard Gere / Hugh Grant films are orchestrated, I’m clocked out.
GOD — DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE OUT THERE?
Like, genuinely : GOD — DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE OUT THERE? DO YOU?
In all seriousness — I’m extremely chill in this department. It’s not worth panicking over, not worth stressing over, not worth running around over … what’s meant for me won’t pass me by. I want nothing more at this point in my life but to finally be with my person, but I’m not missing out by keeping myself company either.
Worth repeating : being with my person will be solely because it’s come to a point where I just WANT him, and not NEED him — which I think is a lot more intense — no other underlying reason for being with a person. Not to satiate any hunger, not to fill a void, not to tick off a box, not to feel like I’ve ‘made’ it, not to require that he provides me anything but healthy obsession, love, adoration, and at least two times a week of about 5 rounds of se — BAHAHAHA (… I’m not kidding).
Also, GOD — DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE OUT THERE??? People are in whole marriages and long-term committed relationships in their thirties (and beyond), and make time to cheat and flirt and try to pull left and right. These are people who want us to think they’ve made it in life because they’re settled. PA-FUCKING-THETIC. And you think it’s sad to be single??? IN THIS ECONOMY?
All or fucking nothing.
[note : this only applies to Women / people who are attracted to straight Men — this does not apply to Men. You are not running low on supply of decent Women, FYI]
15.) Learning your ‘attachment style’ will do you wonders.
(+ you also see the root / the wounds that caused it.) The way people treat me has no correlation to my value and / or worth. My anxious attachment issues find this incredibly daunting. But I recently learned to look at why I feel what I feel when people treat me like shit (as opposed to asking their why’s — “why did they do that? Why did they treat me like that?“).
I have to ask myself what wounds their actions trigger, and find it within myself to validate these emotions instead of seeking answers from other people (i.e., external validation).
Let’s use my recent Hinge date fail with a manchild who ghosted me as an example, lol. Someone’s initial reaction would be, “oh, I must be crap then and probably deserved to be ghosted” (which was naturally where my mind went, because I’m an anxious attacher), and people would think I should be ashamed to even admit that I was ghosted, but let me break this down a smidge better than B-Girl Raygun :
Anxious Attachment : WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? I guess I’m trash? So easily disposable and replacable? Worthless? I wasn’t worth the time? What did I do wrong? It must be me, I’m the problem, because if I was so great, this wouldn’t have happened!
Secure Attachment : Why would someone’s shitty actions towards me dictate my value when their actions are their actions and are a reflection of their shitty selves? They made the decision to treat me so horribly. How could I expect a shitty person to treat me like a decent human being when they’re not a decent human being to begin with? How is that my fault, and why should I make that about me?
Sounds easy, eh? It’s not. As someone who was not taught to be secure in myself, this is pretty challenging — but I’m glad to know that this is actually a wound that needs tending — an inner child healing ting.
Anxious Attachers have also been conditioned in childhood to seek validation elsewhere. Fear of abandonment, rejection, anything that feels like insecurity all falls under this attachment style (in a different way than the other attachment styles).
(… and people with Avoidant Attachment styles can burn in hell. Jokes. You guys are equally messed up. We really need to work on ourselves, it would be nice if we stopped being shitty towards ourselves and each other when we’re all deserving of love — we owe ourselves to have that … properly.)
16.) Do not take things personally.
EXTREMELY. DIFFICULT. BUT. MUST. LEARN. People project onto others every day of their lives. Learning how to read them gets easy with time. Your perspective on peoples’ behaviours could also help — dealing with a person who is extremely rude has nothing to do with you (quite similar to no. 15).
People who project are also weak. I guess changing our perspective on this would help us not take anything personally.
And … the big one.
17.) Love is NOT enough.
When I was young and naïve, I was a firm believer that love was EVERYTHING. It is THE saving grace, it’s what conquers all, it’s what perserveres, it’s what will pull us + make us see things through.
Yeah, no. lol.
People could love you. People could tell you that they love you, but it means nothing without respect. People marry people they say they love, but are NOT in love with, or even like. People will think making them the center of your life is love, and they will think they love you for it.
They think love is the sole ingredient to happiness. Welp (hey — I’m not exempted from this, lol — but thankfully, I’m not “there” anymore).
Think about it — in any committed union or partnership : Do they love you enough to put work into your relationship? Do they love you enough to want to remain honest, to be willing to have the uncomfortable and unpleasant conversations? To make the conscious but effortless decision to choose you everyday? Do they love you enough — that that is enough? Contrary to what Jim Capaldi, Paul Melvyn Carrack, and Peter Benson Vale think, and as much as it is one of my favourite songs by the Eagles, it will NOT keep us alive.
Love is nothing without respect. Respect is the diamond platter you serve love on.
[Imagine little hopeless romantic Abbie at the age of 5 (fork you, Disney films) hearing, “Love is not enough, Abbie”. Phew. Broke her little heart.]
If I ever ended up being in a relationship again, I would rather my partner respected me more than he loved me, if he couldn’t do it equally. Respect himself and me enough to not cheat on me, to want to have the difficult discussions, to want to try and work on our relationship (if it comes to that, I believe a relationship shouldn’t FEEL like you’re making so much effort, it has to be a balance of that and feeling like it’s effortless), and be upfront if they feel they’ve reached the end of their line.
Ideally, it would be equal. I personally don’t think I could feel one more than the other, but that’s me. I love my partner because I respect him. I respect my partner because I love him — and that flows from my love and respect for myself.
I was hoping you could share a few things you’ve also learned at your current age that you feel has made a real impact on your life (your view of it, perceptions, mantras, etc.) — I love learning from people. I love learning about people.
(… or let me know which one of mine resonated with you the most.)
We’re all such complex beings and have lived similar, yet different lives. SHARE AWAY!
Fuck, I love lists.
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